The Shite Fantastic
by mozphoto
Summary: The First of the Fallen has posessed a certain princess and the Lancre witches seem powerless against him. Fortunately the luggage has brought its carry-on Hellblazer. This is my first fic, so I'd appreciate some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.
1. prologue

The Shite Fantastic - A Hellblazer/Discworld crossover By: Mozphoto  
  
Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics/Vertigo. Discworld is the property of Terry Pratchett.  
  
PROLOGUE  
  
John was dreaming. Of course, to expect John Constantine to have pleasant dreams would be like a politician telling the truth: it ain't gonna happen.  
  
Memories were flashing through his dreams, none of them good. Friends and lovers destroyed by the evil side of magic that John always attracted. Failed exorcisms ending with body parts strewn about a room and John committed to a mental asylum. Kit leaving him because of all the magic. His father's beatings. The constant fear that his niece, Gemma, will get drawn into his shit-filled lifestyle.  
  
But then comes the worst, the man in the expensive suit running up to him.  
  
"Mr. Constantine! Excuse me, I'm from Warner Bros. And we'd like to make a movie about you starring Keaneau Reeves!"  
  
John woke up screaming.  
  
Maybe Chas was right. Maybe he did need a holiday.  
  
Elsewhere.  
  
The First of the Fallen had noticed them before. The tiniest of rips in the fabric of reality. They were usually beneath his notice. But this one was different. There was such a massive store of magic on the other side of the rip, it just might be enough to rival HIS power.  
  
But.  
  
He couldn't just step through. He would need a host.  
  
And so he waited.  
  
Elsewhere.  
  
The witches had come up to the Dancers to cut down any plant life that had grown to close to the stones. But they had taken a break for Princess Esme's feeding and changing. ("Ah! An infant princess. And her mother is a witch. Perfect!")  
  
The First of the Fallen had come to the Discworld. 


	2. Getting There is Half the Fun

Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is the property of Terry Pratchett.  
  
The Shite Fantastic  
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover  
By: Mozphoto  
  
Chapter 1: Getting There is Half the Fun  
  
John had enough.  
  
The nightmares were getting weirder and it was getting so that no amount of alcohol would numb his mind enough for him to have just one peaceful night. So he decided that maybe he should take a holiday. No magic, no demons, no bug-eyed monsters, no serial killers, and definitely no one else that wears a bloody trenchcoat! Yes sir, John Constantine was going somewhere sunny. Somewhere with a white sandy beach and crystal clear, blue water. Somewhere that young, nubile girls wore the latest fashion in bikinis. Somewhere with ridiculously over-priced drinks.  
  
And that was why he was standing in Heathrow airport, staring at the departures board.  
  
Where to go, where to go? He thought to himself. Barbados? Fiji? Anywhere that wasn't England, America, or Haiti (they hated him in Haiti) (sorry, couldn't resist). Destinations weren't a problem because. well, because he was John Constantine. Time and space just had a habit of sitting up and begging. The only real problem nowadays was customs. Ever since 9/11, travelling anywhere had become a nightmare even for him.  
  
John remembered talking to a few minor demons in the know after it had happened. The sheer scale of the attack had even shocked the First of the Fallen. Just goes to show, who needs hell? We mortals can bugger ourselves just fine on our own, thank you very much.  
  
Well, so long as no loony, gun-toting, religious fanatic interrupted his holiday, thought John. That's the last thing he nee - there was a loud crash and screaming coming from the front of the line. Perhaps he'd spoken too soon?  
  
What John saw next surprised him (and let's face it, it takes a lot to surprise John Constantine). Running towards him, knocking people aside, was a wooden trunk on (and this was the freaky part) hundreds of little legs. John turned to run, but tripped over his own carryall. He thrust out his hands to protect his head from hitting the floor, when the trunk ran under him and opened. John fell into the trunk. The last thing he saw before it slammed shut was a neatly folded pile of underwear, smelling faintly of lavender. 


	3. An Exercise in Exorcism

Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is the property of Terry Pratchett.  
  
The Shite Fantastic  
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover  
By: Mozphoto  
  
Chapter 2: An Exercise in Exorcism  
  
King Verence stood outside the room of his daughter.  
  
Granny Weatherwax had told him not to enter under any circumstances, and then the four witches, Granny, Nanny Ogg, Queen Magrat (his wife), and Agnes Nitt had gone into the room to face princess Esmerelda Notespelling (if you want an explanation for that name, read CARPE JUGULUM).  
  
Ever since they returned from the dancers, it was obvious that something was wrong with the baby. You just couldn't put your finger on it at first, but there was something about her eyes that just weren't right. The first real clue was when it came time for her nappy-changing. Verence had changed his daughter before and knew quite well that what you found in a baby's nappy could be somewhat disturbing to begin with. But to find the baby's mess had made a perfect octogram-shaped stain was very out of the ordinary to say the least.  
  
And now he'd been waiting outside his daughter's room, fretting as he heard very strange noises coming from within. And then, silence.  
  
The door opened slowly and out walked the witches.  
  
"Oh dear," said Verence.  
  
In his days as a jester, the sight before him would have been given him several years worth of comedy material, but Verence just gaped (two reasons for that - firstly, Verence had loathed his life as a fool and so tried to avoid humour unless it was absolutely necessary and secondly - and some would say more importantly - because no-one in their right minds would laugh at a witch). Agnes seemed to be the least damaged. All her hair (and I do mean ALL) was pointing straight up. She also seemed to be having a very quiet, very heated argument with herself. Magrat was covered in green slime (granted, this meant that for the first time in ages her hair was actually lying flat, but it was a very small consolation). It was very obvious that Nanny Ogg would need to borrow a skirt or some aprons from the palace cook , as she seemed to be missing her skirt (to see Nanny's knickers - yes, the ones all covered with little piggies - was almost as disturbing as seeing demonic symbols in your daughter's poopy diaper). And Granny. oh dear, this was not good at all. Granny's hat had been burned off. All that remained was a smoking brim and several red-hot hat pins stuck in her hair.  
  
Without so much as a word, Granny stalked out of the castle.  
  
"Excuse me," Magrat mumbled, "I seem to be a bit of a mess." She then ran to her room, crying.  
  
Verence turned to Nanny Ogg. "What has happened to my daughter?"  
  
"In all my years of carin' for babbies, I've never seen the like." Nanny said in a far-away voice. "This will take some thinking and make no mistake."  
  
"What can I do to help?"  
  
"For now, see to Magrat. She'll be neeing comforting about now." With that she took Agnes by the hand and led her out of the castle. 


	4. Screaming in the Bathtub

Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is the property of Terry Pratchett.  
  
The Shite Fantastic  
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover  
By: Mozphoto  
  
Chapter 3: SCREAMING IN THE BATH-TUB  
  
A bath, thought Rincewind. A nice, steaming, hot bath should be just the thing. He let himself into his rooms* at the University, closed and locked the door, and began to very carefully undress.  
  
Once he had filled the tub, he picked up a staff and began cautiously poking around in the water**. His paranoia satisfied, he slowly, carefully eased into the foamy water with a sigh.  
  
Yes the bath was just the trick.  
  
The whole problem with the underwear had truly gotten out of hand. Normally, Rincewind would have his laundry taken care of by chucking it all into the Luggage. The next time he'd open it, he'd find all he's laundry cleaned, neatly folded, and smelling faintly of lavender. Unfortunately, the Luggage had disappeared a month ago. Rincewind had thought that he would simply have his laundry done by the university's house-keeping staff, just like the rest of the faculty. This plan was completely defeated by Mrs. Whitlow, the supervisor of the of the university's non-teaching staff.  
  
As far as Mrs. Whitlow was concerned if any member of the faculty didn't make use of her staff's services, she would make known her displeasure in no uncertain terms. It wouldn't happen right away, but when it happened, you knew.  
  
And Rincewind knew the first time he put on a freshly laundered pair of underwear. After two weeks, other members of the faculty had begun to comment on the similarities between the ways that Rincewind and the Librarian walked.  
  
Then two nights ago, Mrs. Whitlow gave the kitchen staff the evening off and had ordered the faculty's dinner from the Curry Gardens.  
  
To say that Rincewind was uncomfortable was an understatement of biblical proportions.  
  
But now he lay in the bath and soaked. He had just begun to dose when the window of his bathroom snapped open. In a movement of acrobatic grace that would have impressed the Librarian, Rincewind somersaulted out of the tub, wrapped a towel around his midsection, grabbed the staff, and landed in a crouch***.  
  
The Luggage leapt through the window.  
  
"Where in the eight hells have you been?" Rincewind struck the Luggage with his staff on every syllable. "It's been so long since I've had a proper pair of underwear that my privates are beginning to resemble a slab of corned beef!"  
  
The Luggage stared at him woodenly.  
  
"All right," Rincewind sighed, "open up and let me have them."  
  
Its lid swung open to reveal his underwear and an unconscious man. Rincewind grabbed a pair of underwear and slammed the lid shut. He then slipped on the soft, clean underwear on with relish and sighed with relief. Then he sat down to think.  
  
Whoever it was in the Luggage was wearing clothing that even Rincewind didn't recognize, so it was fair to assume he wasn't from the Disc. But that wasn't the worrying thing about him.  
  
The stranger tangled up in Rincewind's clean laundry had such an intense octarine aura emanating from him that it was almost a certainty that he was a sourcerer.  
  
Rincewind came to a decision and stood up. "Come on," he said, "let's take him to the Arch-Chancellor."  
  
* When Rincewind had returned from XXXX, he had been elected to be Unseen University's new professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography. A position that Arch-Chancellor Ridcully had felt Rincewind was most qualified for because he had been to more parts of the Disc than any living wizard. The fact that he spent the majority of his time at all these locales running away from certain (and in some cases, uncertain) death was beside the point.  
  
** The rooms of the professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography had many portals which led to other parts of the Disc and even other worlds. The portal that used to be in the bath-tub's drain had once let in a fanged, tentacled creature during Rincewind's first bath since taking up residence there. The memory of its tentacles latching on to his testicles still had him waking up screaming. The faculty had spent the better part of a week casting every spell the Librarian could find in order to close that portal and the Arch-Chancellor had Guaranteed Rincewind that he was safe from any further bath time brouhahas but still felt nervous.  
  
*** Wincing noticeably. 


	5. Where to Go from Here

Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is the property of Terry Pratchett.  
  
The Shite Fantastic  
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover  
By: Mozphoto  
  
Chapter 4: Where to Go from Here  
  
The First of the Fallen was annoyed. When he'd first possessed the infant, he was fully expecting to just eliminate the witches with barely a thought. Unfortunately he was only able to fill his (her) diaper. It was obvious now that his power was growing, but it was requiring so much concentration that the urge to cry was becoming unbearable.  
  
The more he thought on his situation, it became clear that the magical field on this world was so strong that it affected everything. He was in the body of a baby, and it was trying to make his aura fit that body. He was going to have to find a way to harness more power quickly because her (his) thumb was beginning to look very tempting.  
  
Verence quietly let himself out of Magrat's room. She had cried herself to sleep. Verence leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath as the urge to yawn overcame him. And then the odour hit his nostrils.  
  
"What is that stench?" he sputtered.  
  
"S'Wedneday, majesty," replied Sean Ogg helpfully.  
  
"Oh yes," mused the king, "the garderobes."  
  
"Haven't seen Mum and Ms. Weatherwax this upset in a long time sir," commented Sean, "whatever's happened to the princess has them flummoxed!"  
  
"Yes Sean, they can't seem to do anything, can they? And if a witch's magic can't help my daughter what. else. is. there?" Verence trailed of, thinking furiously.  
  
Suddenly, he grabbed Sean by his shirt so that they were practically nose to nose.  
  
"Sean, I want you to send a clacks to," he then received another assault on his nasal passages, "make that two clacks to Ankh-Morpork immediately!" 


	6. Anyone Got a Fag?

Sorry for the delay folks! Got hit with a virus and had to wipe my HD. But now, on with the story!  
  
Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is the property of Pterry Pratchett.  
  
The Shite Fantastic  
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover  
By: Mozphoto  
  
Chapter 5: Anyone Got a Fag?  
  
John slowly regained consciousness. The first thing he noticed is that someone was wiping his forehead with a cool, damp cloth. The next thing he noticed, as he opened his eyes, was that it wasn't someone, it was something.  
  
"YAAAAAA! BUGGER ME WITH A SPOON! GET THIS FUCKING M-"  
  
Someone had clamped a hand over his mouth and was whispering urgently in his ear.  
  
"I don't know who you are or where you came from, but if you don't want your head used for a game of handball by a 300 pound orangutan, I would strongly recommend that you don't call him a monkey," he hissed. "Besides, he's a first class librarian. By the way, my name's Rincewind, what's yours?"  
  
Rincewind slowly removed his hand from John's mouth. "Constantine, John Constantine," John replied. "Where the fuck am I?"  
  
"Unseen University, sir!" Boomed a voice from the doorway.  
  
John gaped. Standing in the doorway was a wizard. Only a much more robust version of a wizard than John had ever seen in the movies, or even any woodcuts he had procured.* But then, not even the highest level wizards on the Disc had ever expected Arch-Chancellor Mustrum Ridcully, a.k.a. Ridcully the Brown.**  
  
John sat down. "Right, I need to get to grips with things. Any chance of a cup of tea? Oh, er, thank you." This to the Librarian, who had just handed him a cup of tea. "Anyone got a fag? Ah, yes, thanks again." The Librarian had offered him a cigarette. "Well, you are a useful geezer, aintcha?" John pointed at the cigarette held between his lips, "How about a light?"  
  
FWOOSH  
  
It had been a long time since anyone had seen a wizard try to light a cigarette with a fireball. The last time Ridcully had seen such a thing was when old "Blue Flame"**** Brantley had tried it. Wizards speak of that day in hushed tones. So it astonished him that this strange wizard had tried to do so. What astonished him even more was that aside from a slightly singed nose, John was quite unscathed.  
  
*John very rarely cared about ownership when it came to other people's  
belongings. If he needed it, especially for occult purposes, he would  
lie, connive, seduce, and even steal the item in question.  
  
**There has been a great deal of speculation*** that this title is a  
reference to Ridcully being full of shit.  
  
***Not in his presence, of course.  
  
****That nickname did not come about because of the fireball incident,  
but rather because of the time, during Rag Week of course, that a young  
Brantley had decided to experiment with a fireball spell, a very long  
corridor, and an extremely large meal consisting mostly of beans.  
Wizards who witnessed the event generally wish they hadn't. 


	7. Ridcully Must Die! & Granny Fights Alo...

Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is the property of Pterry Pratchett.  
  
The Shite Fantastic  
  
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover  
  
By: Mozphoto  
  
Chapter 6: Ridcully Must Die! Granny Fights Alone!  
  
The Bursar sat in his office and did paperwork.  
  
It was one of the few times that he could actually function without the dried frog pills, because he really did enjoy handling the day-to-day red tape of keeping U.U. running. All his files, and records, how he adored them! He hummed contentedly as he opened Mrs. Whitlow's monthly expense report.  
  
There was a knock at the door.  
  
"Enter," he called.  
  
A boy walked in wearing the uniform cap of the clacks service. "Message from Lancre, sir." He handed the Bursar an envelope and waited.  
  
The Bursar tore open the envelope and began to read:  
  
"PLEASE SEND IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE. STENCH BECOMING UNBEARABLE-"  
  
The boy leapt forward and snatched the message out of his hand. "Terribly sorry sir, wrong message." He rummaged around in a shoulder bag and produced another envelope. "Here you are sir."  
  
The Bursar began to read again.  
  
(Later in the Arch-Chancellor's office)  
  
"Hell's bells man, I must go to Lancre right away!" He was already packing a bag. "Summon the faculty to the High Energy Magic building!" He pulled a cigar out of a desk drawer and began to pat his pockets.  
  
"Yes Arch-Chancellor," the Bursar took a deep breath and soldiered on. "Before you leave though, if you would please just sign these documents so that the monthly expenses can be dealt with?"  
  
Ridcully puffed on his cigar and looked around. "What documents?"  
  
The Bursar looked in horror at the sheets of paper that were rolled up and flaming in Ridcully's hand.  
  
(Later again)  
  
The Bursar shook with rage.  
  
Not only did the Arch-Chancellor constantly ignore the necessary protocols in running the university, he regularly ignored the university altogether.  
  
But this time he had gone too far. Ridcully had to be made to pay for what he had done. And pay he would.  
  
The Bursar opened the drawer of his desk and carefully removed a box. He placed it gently on the desk and opened it. Inside was a billiard ball.*  
  
The Bursar sniggered. All he had to do was toss the ball at Ridcully while the rest of the faculty was concentrating on teleporting him to Lancre and only his smoking hat would arrive at Lancre castle.  
  
(In Lancre)  
  
Shawn Ogg was exiting the clacks tower when he saw his mother. He immediately attempted to execute a 500 metre nonchalant in the other direction and walked right into Granny Weatherwax.  
  
"Er, um, heh heh," Shawn quivered under the cold-steel stare of Granny.  
  
Nanny caught up to them. "Now Shawn, what are you looking all guilty for? Come on now, you can tell your old mum."  
  
(In the Castle)  
  
The First of the Fallen could feel his power growing and was greatly relieved. At least now he was able to change his own diaper. Any minute now, he'd be strong enough to kill. In a week, he would be able to suck this world dry of all it's power and return to his own reality, where he would be unstoppable.  
  
Such thoughts were pushed away when the door was kicked open by Granny Weatherwax.  
  
She stepped into the room and then spun around and slammed the door in Nanny Oggs face. A muffled "ow" could be heard through the door.  
  
Granny needed to work fast. That old fool Mustrum would show up at any time, thinking he could save the day. She couldn't be having with that!  
  
"Right! I don't know who you are or where you came from," she growled, "and truth be told, I don't really care." She began to roll up her sleeves. "But that's MY god-daughter your possessin', so one way or another, you're being evicted even if it kills me!"  
  
Granny took a step back as the baby smiled at her in a most unsettling way. Then she saw the aura of octarine.  
  
"As you wish, hag!"  
  
*Some time ago, the alchemists had experimented with billiard balls made from artificial ivory. The results were, of course, explosive. 


	8. Synchronicity

Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is the property of Pterry Pratchett.  
  
The Shite Fantastic  
  
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover  
  
By: Mozphoto  
  
Chapter 7: Synchronicity  
  
"Now Stibbons," growled Ridcully, "you make sure that HEX-thingy is giving you the right co-ordinates. Remember, I'm to arrive at the front gates of Lancre castle, not at the bottom of a privy."  
  
Ponder Stibbons bit his tongue and continued working. In fact, the majority of the faculty was actually concentrating on the task at hand with an uncharacteristic amount of focus.* Except for the Bursar, who was wandering around with a vague smile on his face and humming tunelessly to himself.  
  
John sat off to one side sharing a bottle with Rincewind and the Librarian.  
  
POING!  
  
Ponder looked up. "Got it Arch-Chancellor!"  
  
Ridcully nodded. "Right then. Let's get on with it!"  
  
John watched with interest as the Faculty increased their chanting and a nimbus of octarine light formed around Ridcully. It was then that he noticed the Bursar on the other side of the room. He was pulling something out of his pocket and staring at Ridcully with a look of intense hatred.  
  
John stood up as he saw the Bursar pull out something round and shiny and begin to take aim at the Arch-Chancellor.  
  
Constantine leapt forward and shoved Ridcully out of the octogram just as the Bursar flung the cue ball.  
  
The nimbus grew in intensity.  
  
(effect without a cause)  
  
The ball hit the ground at John's feet.  
  
(subatomic laws)  
  
John felt the whole world move as he stood still.  
  
(scientific pause)  
  
At the same time he watched in horror as the ball exploded.  
  
(synchronicity)  
  
The explosion seemed to be right in front of him.  
  
(synchronicity)  
  
And then, far, far away from him.  
  
(synchronicity)  
  
And then he was standing in the corner of a large garden, beside a castle that looked like it was simultaeneusly falling apart and being rebuilt.  
  
John also noticed that he was standing in a large depression in the soil, as if a chunk of the ground had been scooped out.  
  
Meanwhile, back at Unseen University, the faculty had to send for some of Harry King's men to rescue the Bursar and clear the ten foot high compost heap out of the High Energy Magic building**.  
  
*But then, to a man they were all thinking how lovely and quiet things would be once Mustrum Ridcully somewhere other than Unseen University.  
  
**Ridcully had decided that there was no point in punishing the Bursar for trying to kill him, what with the poor demented soul having to be hosed down a dozen times before Mrs. Whitlow would allow him into any of the other buildings on campus, and the fits of hysterical screaming any time he saw something that even remotely resembled compost***.  
  
***Because of this, the Librarian began sleeping in very remote parts of the library so that the Bursar wouldn't see him curled up for a snooze. 


	9. Be Still My Beating Heart

Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is the property of Pterry Pratchett.  
  
The Shite Fantastic  
  
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover  
  
By: Mozphoto  
  
Chapter 8: Be Still My Beating Heart  
  
The door to princess Esme's room was flung open as, with a blast of octarine, Granny Weatherwax was hurled into the hallway.  
  
When she came to rest she heard a muffled "ow" underneath her.  
  
"Serve you right for trying to listen at keyholes Gytha!" She was about to heap some more abuse to her prostrate friend when she realized that her voice sounded different. Then she stood up and realized that wasn't all that was different. The ache in her knees and back were gone. It was such an unfamiliar sensation, that she nearly fell over again.  
  
She turned to look at Nanny Ogg, but was not given the opportunity to speak. "Well, there's a face I haven't seen in a dog's age Esme!"  
  
"What are you blathering about Gytha?" Granny demanded, noticing that it was definitely her voice, only softer. Her voice hadn't sounded like that since-  
  
"Take a look in that mirror... lass!" Nanny looked fit to burst with laughter.  
  
Granny hurried down the corridor to the mirror. Strange, she thought to herself, my hips seem to be swaying. She looked at her reflection and saw the face of Esmerelda Weatherwax, the young witch who had just decided To devote herself to the craft rather than give in to the attentions of a young wizard-in-training named Mustrum Ridcully.  
  
"That... that... thing," she screamed, "it's bloody well gone and made me young again!"  
  
John walked through the castle, talking to king Verence.  
  
"So you're not even from this world," Verence hazarded, "but you are a wizard?"  
  
John took a long drag on a dog-end. "We-ell, I wouldn't quite say I'm a wizard, but that'll have to do considering that magic works a lot differently here than it does whe I come from."  
  
"Then perhaps you could help out with our situation?"  
  
"Right , Verence me old son," John grinned, "what is the problem?"  
  
Esmerelda was incredulous. "It tried to kill me, Gytha," she explained, "but instead it turns me into a gel."  
  
Nanny poured a cup of water and handed it to her. "Try to calm down Esme, this may be a blessing in disguise."  
  
"Blessing?" Esmerelda exclaimed, "no good will come of this. I can't-"  
  
At that moment, King Verence and John Constantine came into view at the end of the corridor. Esmerelda stood frozen, with the cup halfway to her lips, staring at John.  
  
Nanny stared in disbelief as the cup of water in Esmerelda's hand began to boil furiously and then shatter.  
  
"Oh dear." 


	10. Fortress Around Your Heart

Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is the property of Pterry Pratchett.  
  
The Shite Fantastic  
  
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover  
  
By: Mozphoto  
  
Chapter 9: Fortress Around Your Heart  
  
And if I have built this fortress around your heart Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire Then let me build a bridge For I cannot fill the chasm And let me set the battlements on fire  
  
Many years ago, a girl named Esmerelda chose to dedicate her life to being the most powerful witch on the Disc. She knew full well that it was a very lonely path she would take. Just by choosing to be a witch, she was guaranteeing that she would not have many friends at all. But to be the best, well that meant an even greater isolation. She had been in love once, ironically enough he was now the most powerful wizard on the disc. But there had been nothing more than a few moments of laughter and even fewer stolen kisses. And since Mustrum, nothing. No long walks holding hands, no, well, you know.  
  
Now decades later, her brain was trying to get itself around the fact that her body was that of the girl again. She was not coping well. Her body was raging with hormones, while her mind was still holding on to the memory of decades of self-denial.  
  
And then this man walked in and she felt like the dam was ready to burst. The aura of magical power he had around him was so intense; it was setting off very disturbing signals in her head. It didn't help matters much that he was also good looking. She then noticed that her hands were shaking.  
  
"Gytha," she croaked, "get me out of here!"  
  
Nanny took Esme by the arm and led her out of the castle without so much as a word to Verence or the oddly dressed stranger.  
  
Once they were clear of the castle gates, Nanny Ogg began to chuckle.  
  
"What's so funny?" Esme asked in a low hiss.  
  
"Now this is more than just a little bit ironic, Esme." Nanny was now practically cackling.* "All this time that you were lookin' down your nose at me for being popular with the men folk and now it's because you always played hard to get with a vengeance, that you can't control yourself!"  
  
Esme stopped and yanked her arm free of Nanny's grip.  
  
"Can't control myself?! I'll show you Gytha Ogg, I have more self-control in my little finger than you'll ever hope to have in your whole body! And that's on my worst day"  
  
With that, she turned on her heel and marched to the castle. At least, she tried to. It seemed that her feet were much smaller than they used to be/will be. She kicked off her boots, gathered up her skirts and began to run. And that's when the mail coach went through the puddle. Water splashed Esme, soaking her from the neck down. But she continued to run.  
  
When she reached the castle, there was the strangely dressed man, leaning against a wall, smoking a cigarette. He was giving her a long lingering stare.**  
  
"Hullo luv," John said with his usual mischievous grin, "Back so soon?"  
  
It was as if something inside her had snapped.  
  
Esme lunged forward, wrapped her arms around John, and kissed him hard on the lips. She couldn't think. All she could do was want. She had denied so many desires for so long that it hurt. While still locked together, they stumbled into the castle and into a broom cupboard.  
  
"Bloody hell, it isn't just my spells that are bigger here, is it?"  
  
*Well she is a witch! What would you expect her to do, giggle?  
  
**Bear in mind that even in her regular, more mature state, Granny was described by many men as "a fine figure of a woman." Add to that the fact that her clothes are now soaking wet and clinging to her. There may never have been wet t-shirt contest in Lancre***, but there's little doubt from anyone who's familiar with JC that he's observed a few in his time****.  
  
***In Ankh-Morpork, they're held every Friday night at Chrysoprase's nightclub.  
  
****And probably snogged most of the winners to boot. 


	11. Every Breath You Take

THE SHITE FANTASTIC A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover  
  
Disclaimer: Helblazer is owned by Time/Warner/AOL/DC/Vertigo.  
Discworld is owned by Pterry Pratchett.  
Oh well.  
  
Chapter 10: Every Breath You Take  
  
Mustrum tries to kiss her, but she breaks away from his embrace and runs off towards the dancers.  
  
(John kisses her deeply and she marvels at how their tongues dance)  
  
The Elven Queen offers Esme her heart's desire and she walks away, thinking "plenty of time to learn the old fashioned way."  
  
(How could she have ever ignored such passion, such raw magic for so long?)  
  
Staring into the eyes of Duke Felmet and seeing an endless pool of insanity.  
  
(Looking into Constantine's eyes and seeing an insatiable hunger.)  
  
Watching in horror as the mirrors shattered, taking Lilly somewhere beyond even Death's realm.  
  
(Seeing herself reflected in a glass bottle, every movement, every touch raising her to new heights of pleasure.)  
  
Borrowing the hive mind, fearful of losing herself to it.  
  
(His lips move down, she loses herself to the pleasure.)  
  
She catches the blade in her bare hand. The pain is there, excrutiating but she wills the damage to wait until she has time to deal with it.  
  
(He enters her. The pain is there, only to be replaced by exquisite sensations that take forever to understand.)  
  
The vampire blood mingles with hers and she feels the centuries of undead screaming for blood, blood, and more blood.  
  
(He explodes into her and with his seed comes the blood of Nergal...)  
  
Esme opened her eyes. Details slowly came back to her.  
  
Firstly she was lying on the floor of a large broom closet.  
  
Secondly there was a naked man lying next to her, with his arms wrapped around her.  
  
Thirdly (and this was the worst part) she was also naked.  
  
And finally, she was young.  
  
Oh dear, none of it had been a dream. 


	12. It's Probably Me

Hell, you all know who owns what, suffice it to say, I don't own any of it.  
  
THE SHITE FANTASTIC  
  
A Discworld/Hellblazer Crossover  
  
Chapter 12: Brand New Day  
  
Granny saw him walk into the room but chose not to watch. Best to see to her goddaughter first anyway. Besides, she'd seen HIM perform his task enough times. It wasn't as if there would be anything different this time. It wasn't as if this man held a larger place in her heart than others she'd seen die. So she turned her back on them and cradled the princess in her arms.  
  
But she listened all the same.  
  
John got up and looked at the cloaked figure before him. "Well, well, an actual Grim Reaper, eh? Haven't seen a get-up like that in yonks!" He pulled a roll-up out of his pocket and lit it.  
  
EXCUSE ME, ER, YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.  
  
"Yeah, that's right." John blew the smoke out his nostrils. "I'm from a different reality, mate."  
  
OH DEAR, THIS IS MOST IRREGULAR. Death reached into the depth of his robe and pulled out a rather fine pipe. COULD I TROUBLE YOU FOR A LIGHT?  
  
John pointed a finger at the pipe and a small flame ignited the tobacco.  
  
MOST KIND.  
  
Death turned around and made a sweeping motion with his hand.  
  
CLAIM HIM.  
  
Cloaked figures suddenly appeared and quickly filed past. One stopped and the rest disappeared. Its cloak vanished to reveal a beautiful young woman all dressed in black. She had white skin and wore an ankh on a chain around her neck.  
  
AH, SUSAN, HOW'S THE NEW JOB GETTING ON?  
  
"The first two millennia were actually quite tedious but, well, you know how it is." Susan Sto Helit kissed Death on the cheekbone. "It's good to see you again, grandfather."  
  
John laughed. "Susan? You're name is Susan?!" Susan sighed. "Come on John, you aren't supposed to be here and you certainly aren't scheduled to die just yet. So let's get you back to London, where you belong."  
  
"But I was on my way to Barbados," John snickered, "Susan!"  
  
Susan rolled her eyes. "I'm never going to hear the end of this, am I?"  
  
Granny Weatherwax turned around and watched as the three figures faded through the wall.  
  
"Awww, what's the matter Suzy?"  
  
"Shut up John."  
  
"Oh Suzy Q Baby I love you..."  
  
"Shut up John!"  
  
"Cheers Suzy."  
  
I'M WARNING YOU CONSTANTINE.  
  
Granny smiled and looked down at the baby in her arms.  
  
Notes:  
  
Did you honestly think I'd actually kill JC off? Come on!  
  
Still one more chapter to go! 


	13. Brand New Day

Hell, you all know who owns what, suffice it to say, I don't own any of it.  
  
THE SHITE FANTASTIC  
  
A Discworld/Hellblazer Crossover  
  
Chapter 12: Brand New Day  
  
Granny saw him walk into the room but chose not to watch. Best to see to her goddaughter first anyway. Besides, she'd seen HIM perform his task enough times. It wasn't as if there would be anything different this time. It wasn't as if this man held a larger place in her heart than others she'd seen die. So she turned her back on them and cradled the princess in her arms.  
  
But she listened all the same.  
  
John got up and looked at the cloaked figure before him. "Well, well, an actual Grim Reaper, eh? Haven't seen a get-up like that in yonks!" He pulled a roll-up out of his pocket and lit it.  
  
EXCUSE ME, ER, YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.  
  
"Yeah, that's right." John blew the smoke out his nostrils. "I'm from a different reality, mate."  
  
OH DEAR, THIS IS MOST IRREGULAR. Death reached into the depth of his robe and pulled out a rather fine pipe. COULD I TROUBLE YOU FOR A LIGHT?  
  
John pointed a finger at the pipe and a small flame ignited the tobacco.  
  
MOST KIND.  
  
Death turned around and made a sweeping motion with his hand.  
  
CLAIM HIM.  
  
Cloaked figures suddenly appeared and quickly filed past. One stopped and the rest disappeared. Its cloak vanished to reveal a beautiful young woman all dressed in black. She had white skin and wore an ankh on a chain around her neck.  
  
AH, SUSAN, HOW'S THE NEW JOB GETTING ON?  
  
"The first two millennia were actually quite tedious but, well, you know how it is." Susan Sto Helit kissed Death on the cheekbone. "It's good to see you again, grandfather."  
  
John laughed. "Susan? You're name is Susan?!"  
  
Susan sighed. "Come on John, you aren't supposed to be here and you certainly aren't scheduled to die just yet. So let's get you back to London, where you belong."  
  
"But I was on my way to Barbados," John snickered, "Susan!"  
  
Susan rolled her eyes. "I'm never going to hear the end of this, am I?"  
  
Granny Weatherwax turned around and watched as the three figures faded through the wall.  
  
"Awww, what's the matter," John teased, "is ickle Suzy gonna cwy?" It wasn't everyday you had an opportunity to literally laugh in the face of Death (or rather, his granddaughter, as the case may be) and he was going to take the piss for all it was worth.  
  
"Shut up John."  
  
"Oh Suzy Q, baby I love you."  
  
"Shut up John!"  
  
"Just wait until I tell me mates!"  
  
I'M WARNING YOU CONSTANTINE  
  
Granny smiled and looked down at the baby in her arms.  
  
Notes:  
  
Did you honestly think I'd actually kill JC off? Come on!  
  
Still one more chapter to go! 


	14. My Funny Friend and Me

Don't you just wish you owned Hellblazer or Discworld? Me too.  
  
THE SHITE FANTASTIC  
  
A Discworld/Hellblazer Crossover  
  
Epilogue: My Funny Friend and Me  
  
It is now six months later. John is tracking down an ancient, and until now thought non-existent, grimoire in one of the libraries of Cambridge University. His ride, Chas of course, is waiting for him in a pub down the road.  
  
Some of these books are so ancient, he thinks to himself. Some of the dust was thicker than the books. He was certain that no one would notice him nicking one of them.  
  
Through one of the shelves, john thought he'd seen something brown, orange, and extremely hairy pulling down books from the shelf and sniffing them.  
  
"It couldn't be...," John muttered to himself as he hurried around the shelves to get a clearer look.  
  
Sure enough, there, sat the Librarian of Unseen University and he was holding the very book John was looking for.  
  
"How did you get here?"  
  
"Ook."  
  
"Ah."  
  
John thought fast and came up with a plan that brought a smile to his face.  
  
"Librarian, me old son, let me buy you a drink. There's a pub just down the way and my mate Chas is there." John's smile slowly became a rictus of mischief. "And I'm sure he'd love to meet you!"  
  
"Ook?"  
  
THE END 


End file.
